In The Blink Of An Eye

Unstoppable they called her, but I saw her stop

I saw her stop many many times

Sometimes I thought she had stopped for good

but no, she always found a way to resurrect

To rise again

Not the same, never the same

Each time a little more determined, and a little less vulnerable

Unstoppable they said, but I think it was in the stopping

that she found her power.

– Donna Ashworth

A very dear friend sent me this just this morning, it seemed kind of perfect to sit down and write this update today. I know it’s been a while since I’ve arrived in your inbox, and for many good reasons.

Life hands us challenges that sometimes we feel are insurmountable and impossible to see our way through – when the path gets a wee bit blurry. We can lose sight of the strength we contain, the ability to rise, as well as the way we are being held in seen and unseen ways.

It’s been hard for me to get on here, and to write this.  But I have been feeling a strong call to connect – and perhaps depending on your life circumstances offer you the reminder that you to are not alone.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and medical procedures – which continue in the coming week.  I’m still processing the fact that I had spinal surgery, never mind the additional diagnosis of cancer – in the blink of an eye, our lives can change and do change, remember that.  I very suddenly started losing the ability to walk (interestingly the day my eldest son and I sat with an owl in the cedar grove – whispering wisdom of slowing down). My body had also been speaking to me in quiet and loud ways over the past few months. October 5th I was admitted to hospital and underwent emergency spinal surgery for a tumor in my spinal canal, on the spinal cord from T7 to T11.  

The tumor that took up residence in my spinal canal was found to have malignant cells and they were unable to remove the whole tumor in surgery – due to its location it was partially inoperable.

In the meantime, I rest in this liminal space, protective of quiet time and connecting deeply with what is being asked of me in this healing. I am sooo grateful to recover from step one here in the forest.  

Relearning to walk, supporting my spine as the bones mend and the dura heals, healing mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually – while at the same time building my reserves for next steps.

My family and I are keeping pretty quiet, this is needed right now for so many reasons – my deepest need is to cocoon.  I have been viscerally reminded of how fragile and truly precious life is – In many ways I’m only now just realizing how truly precious and sacred life is.

An unexpected turn on the path, one that will only bring greater strength and compassion.  Perhaps a forced sabbatical, finding my own way on this life journey.

I wonder what helps you to rise when you fall – perhaps that’s a person, or a place. Make a list, right now if you can – written or in your mind, what helps you rise when you fall?

With so much love and respect, ’till next time

Amber

gray owl perched on a tree stamp
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

8 thoughts on “In The Blink Of An Eye

    • Beautiful Joy, thank you. I feel this, deeply.
      It’s an honour to have you share my thoughts…………and so perfect, wrapped in the warm embrace and strength of the sunshine.
      Sending you love, Amber

  • Much love Amber. You have given so much love to others over such a long period of time. I hope you are receiving it now. I believe you know that it is always there for you. Sometimes there is nothing to do except feel the peace that is there for us and in that feel that we are whole.

    • Dear Nancy,
      So beautiful to hear from you! Your message is a song right into my soul, pure medicine and I am grateful. Mmmm feeling the peace that is here for us and in that feel that we are whole – beautiful. I am learning to surrender in a much deeper way – not always easy I am also learning, and to feel that wholeness even in this vulnerable and difficult time, held in love by others. I so appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts, and for your love – it means alot.
      Much love to you, Amber

  • Thank you for your update today. I’ve been out of touch, not able to walk or stand for very long since mid-August. My issues are all of my own making, a too sedentary life-style with a sudden burst of summer activity when the kids visited, and I ended up with an injured knee, which I thought was my arthritis and that I should walk more, and the more I walked, the worse it got, and the less I could walk. So I stopped. I went to my doctor, and he sent me to physiotherapy.
    What is helping me slowly rise again is actually doing nothing except as directed, putting my trust in the professionals. I also find it is helpful to picture myself before the set-back, walking the OVRT trail with no issues; or having fun times at pumpkin patches with the grandkids, and I place those events in my future vision.
    Much love to you. Write when you can and know we are thinking about you always.
    Margaret

    • Dear Margaret,
      Holding you in my heart on your own journey!! Thank you so much for having the courage to share. I have missed your beautiful energy and presence in our group – although I always hold you there. I love your message, and everything that helps you to rise. Keeping those moments that we savour and that feed our soul close, feeling into them everyday – it reminds us what’s worth living for, what’s worth rising and keeping going. This is beautiful.
      I am also sending you so much love, and I look forward to practicing together again, another sacred and beautiful future vision – we’ll get there.
      Love Amber

    • Oh Dear Susan, and you, in all your strength and beauty, help me to rise – together we stand stronger. Sending you so much love.

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